Facing Death -- an unforgettable event for myself.

After an extraordinary struggle in the hospital for four months, Granny passed away peacefully on Feb 12. I appreciate my cousin calling me that morning and telling me calmly "Granny has stopped breathing and her heartbeat has stopped". We all went (dashed) to the hospital.

On the way I felt a sense of relief for her. Even when I stepped in and saw my relatives crying I remained calm. Interestingly, when I left Granny's bed side I started crying too - and I could feel the pain in my heart. I was relieved she was out of this hospital struggle, but at the same time felt pain as she has indeed suffered quite a bit on the hospital bed. On the bright side, she had her children and grandchildren by her side almost daily!

Illness happens. It is not something exceptional; it is part of nature and a part of life. Of course we have every right to avoid illness and pain, but in spite of that effort, when illness happens it is better to accept it. While you should make every effort to cure it as soon as possible, you should have no mental burden. -- Dalai Lama. As the great Indian scholar Shantideva has said:" If there is a way to overcome the suffering, then there is no need to worry; if there is no way to overcome the suffering, then there is no use in worrying." That kind of rational attitude is quite useful.

From Feb 12 onwards, I have been sleeping at the Singapore Casket on four chairs, a sleeping bag, a pillow and an eye mask till Feb 16. Yes my back is aching when I laugh now. Actually my relatives and I did kinda relieve ourselves during this period - some brought along their helicopters to fix, their laptops to surf/ work on, and we did spend some good time catching up. No doubt, it was also emotional, mental and physical hard work, re-arranging the tables and chairs every morning and before bedtime; not having to brush our teeth or wash our face as frequent as usual; bringing out the peanuts, sweets and drinks when guests arrive; collecting and recording the White Gold (yes it was my responsibility); and any other administrative responsbilities my parents or relatives might command.

On a spiritual note, I understand death and the wake process better now. We were also lucky to have invited Lama Shifu on 15 and 16 to come pray for Granny and we know she is now better taken care of. Lama Shifu also reminded us not to cry so that Granny can go in peace. That gave us strength to try to understand the death process from a Buddhist viewpoint and made us all calmer.

The ceremony ended on Feb 17. May I suggest that wake ceremonies do not employ a band in future. The band played such sad music that most of my cousins, relatives and guests started crying! It was in a way, emotions induced by the sorrow music - even my young cousin said "No more bands in future please".

All three families were united in making this ceremony as smooth as possible - although I am now more interested to find out what procedures are really necessary from a Buddhist viewpoint; and what are merely "for show". I am happy that Granny has accepted Lama Shifu's help and she has moved on and relief herself of any unfinished business she felt she has. Over the next 49 days, there will be more prayers for her, and donations made in her name as she moves on to her next realm.

The Choong's power combined

Quite evident in the Choong's family & relatives. Why do I say this? It has been quite a rollar coaster emotional ride for all in the family tree. To-date Granny has been in the hospital for four months now. We started out hopeful, but many of us are both physically and emotionally tired out now.

Some colleagues would say about their Chinese New Year's plan "Ahh its the same every year"... Well, I couldn't say the same this year. I do wish it could have been the same, but no, my family had a new challenge this lunar new year.

We gathered at Granny's bed on Reunion Dinner night. Had dinner at Uncle Jason's house later and I went off to a prayer session with Lama Shifu and chanted till 12am.

First day of Lunar New Year - Chu Yi - we received a call early that "Granny doesn't look good". All of us hurried down. We had a family meeting; deciding whether she should go back to ICU (where her body would basically be artifically maintained by machines - and only the family members can tell the doctor to remove the tubes eventually - i.e. someone has to say "please pull out the tubes"); or take on a minor operation (which any human can see that her body cannot withstand another operation no matter how minor). We drew a flowchart; and decided that she shouldn't have to go through either.

We invited Lama Shifu down to say some prayers for her - a notion many in the family probably felt weird initially - but it had the effect of calming all of us down; and getting us to a stage of accepting death and impermanence.

Second day of Lunar New Year - Chu Er - we gathered at 10am in the hospital to visit her. This time, we also brought along donations which we would like to contribute on her behalf.

At this difficult time, I realized that hey having a religion is really important. Rather than just standing and staring beside her; why not learn a word of chant or two - which can help her to lessen her suffering. It has become a helpful, life-enhancing conditioning for myself.

I have to admit I feel exhuasted; just like everyone in my family tree. I really couldn't bring myself to work for these two days (yes I was supposed to work).

Luckily I have a very supportive fiance, future mother-in-law, and a family tree where all work together to make the best decision without any unnecessary conflicts. In a way I feel fortunate.